Temporary Pain
Apr. 22nd, 2013 10:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
miri_uchihaTitle: Temporary Pain
Pairing: Jaejoong/Junsu, Implied! Changmin/Jaejoong
Genre: Angst/Tragedy
Rating: Slight NC-17
Warning: Character death, slight adult language, and un-beta'd
Idea: Prompt idea, "Suicide Attempts" from dbskgenerator
Summary: Sometimes the pain is only temporary. But for others, it's a lifetime.
-x-
A/N: I was feeling emotionally dead for the past few days and decided to write this to feel better.
-x-
"Do you want the line to be horizontal or vertical?"
No one had dared to venture up to their school's dirty rooftop. There was practically nothing to see up there. The sky hadn't been that pretty shade of blue for many months now. Only those with something sinful to hide, had no care if the place was covered in mold or if there were dried spots of blood on the ground at a particular spot in the corner.
"Horizontal," a soft whisper said.
"Okay," the sharp blade of a pocket knife pressed against a pale wrist and dug into the flesh. A line was made and the crimson liquid bubbled from the cut. The hiss that used to pass between pink lips, was no longer heard. Having done this act a hundred times, their bodies had become numb to the pain.
"Your turn, Jaejoong . . ." the boy said, not paying attention to his bleeding wrist. The older boy held out his arm, the scar that was left from yesterday was still there. Still raw.
"Horizontal or vertical?" the boy asked. Jaejoong held the boy's hand that gripped the pocket knife and drew it towards his wrist,
"Do it like yesterday, Junsu-ah. Drag it over the same spot."
Junsu whose hand was shaking, had been held still by Jaejoong's calm ones.
"But it hasn't healed yet," Junsu said. Jaejoong smiled, the action that Junsu had learned overtime, which indicated that the boy was thinking of his past; the reason why they were doing this.
"I don't want to be healed. I want to keep bleeding. I want to keep feeling the pain that my heart has been suffering for years now," Jaejoong said and gave a bright smile,
"Now, help me bleed Junsu-ah."
Junsu pressed the blade against the red scar which acted as a guide for him and closed his eyes as he dragged the blade vertically from Jaejoong's wrist to his elbow.
-x-
Junsu walked to school the next day, wearing a long-sleeved shirt. He was looking forward to spending his time afterschool with Jaejoong and exchanging blood and tears with the boy. But when he stepped into the hallway, he spotted his friend. Would he even call Jaejoong a friend? They were just strangers who happened to catch each other trying to commit suicide.
-x-
"Fuck! Damn him! Damn me for believing things could change between us! Fuck!"
Junsu who had his own emotional breakdown minutes earlier, was now situated on the ledge of the rooftop. He had been planning to jump, muttering a prayer in his head before the door to the rooftop slammed open and shocked him from his spot. He teetered over the edge, almost falling over. Fear gripped his mind and he realized that he wasn't ready to die yet.
A tug on his school uniform steadied him on the ledge. Junsu looked back to see a boy slightly older than him, staring up at him blankly.
"Were you going to jump?"
"I-I . . ." Junsu stuttered, licking his lips, "Y-Yeah! Why? Are you going to stop me?"
The boy let go of his shirt and took a step back with a smirk on his lips,
"No. In fact, I want to see you do it. It takes a lot of guts to stare death in the face."
Junsu opened his mouth and closed it in stunned silence. The boy wasn't going to stop him?
"I . . ."
"Go on, do it. Jump," the boy said. Junsu swallowed and turned back around. He looked at the ground. It should've been easy. Their school building was only three stories high. It wasn't that far from the ground, but fear gripped him once again.
"Well? Any day now," the boy wondered from behind him.
Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes and he felt his chest heaving, trying to gather enough oxygen into his lungs. He couldn't do it.
"If you can't die, then come back down."
Junsu turned around and looked at the boy. He stepped down from the ledge as the boy held out his hand for him to hold.
"My name is Jaejoong."
"Junsu."
Jaejoong smiled, "From now on, I'll teach you how to feel pain without having to die."
-x-
"Jae!" Junsu called out, but the boy was soon distracted by a tall student. He could see a smile on Jaejoong's face. Not the one that would always be directed at him, but another smile. A foreign expression that he had yet to see on that beautiful face.
He watched a few more seconds as Jaejoong linked hands with the tall student and walked the opposite way from him. Someone bumped into him, scattering his books and papers onto the floor. But he didn't care to pick up his belongings. He stared after the boy whom he used to share his everything with, only to see him transform into someone who didn't need him anymore. And that hurt more than the deep scar on his wrist.
-x-
Junsu scratched at his scar as he waited for Jaejoong to arrive. He looked up at the gloomy sky and wondered if it'll rain.
"I know you want to. You've been cloudy for so many days now. Go on, cry."
"Who are you talking to?" an unfamiliar laugh rang through the air. Junsu snapped his head down to look at the stranger, only to see his familiar hyung. He felt ashamed that he barely recognized Jaejoong's laugh.
"I was talking to myself," Junsu whispered. Jaejoong walked closer, the very same smile he saw earlier in the halls was plastered on his face. Junsu had to wince at the strange expression.
"So what are you doing up here talking to yourself?" Jaejoong asked, taking a deep breath of air and wrinkled his nose when he smelt rain.
"I was waiting for you," Junsu let his gaze fall to his shoes. Jaejoong was momentarily confused and remembered with a nod,
"I thought you might be. But I can't stay today. Remember the boyfriend I told you about? He said he's going to take me on a date tonight."
"Oh," Junsu whispered and kept his gaze down. He didn't want to show Jaejoong that he was disappointed with the sudden news.
"In fact, he's waiting for me right now. So I came to tell you that I won't be staying."
When Junsu didn't say anything, Jaejoong gave the boy an awkward pat on the shoulder and went back the way he came. Junsu finally lifted his head up when the door closed. The tears that he silently wept, streamed down his cheeks.
He looked over the side of the building and spotted two figures at the front gates of the school and recognized them as Jaejoong and the tall student. From far away, he couldn't tell what their facial expressions were, but by the body language, he figured that Jaejoong was happy now.
Junsu returned his gaze back up at the gray sky and felt a droplet fall on his face. He flinched at the impact and brushed his finger over the wet spot. A slow smile appeared on his lips as the droplets turned into a downpour.
"Finally. Have you come to cry for me?"
-x-
Junsu walked to school the next day, lost in his thoughts. He didn't like the pain that was spreading throughout his chest. It would always flare up whenever he saw Jaejoong. He didn't know why. All he knew was that they hadn't spend much time together since the other boy had returned back to his boyfriend's side.
"Maybe he'll stay today. It's been a while since my scar has re-opened."
At that tiny bit of hope, Junsu anticipated seeing the other boy afterschool. But when that moment arrived, on his way to the rooftop, he spotted Jaejoong. But the boy wasn't even heading towards the rooftop.
"Jae!"
"Oh . . . Junsu-ah . . ." Jaejoong turned around to look at him. Junsu frowned,
"Where are you going? Aren't you going up to the --"
"Not today. I . . . I don't think I can spend time with you anymore," Jaejoong confessed. Junsu didn't understand. They always went up to the rooftop when school ended.
"Why? I thought we . . ." Junsu tried to grasp the older boy's arm, but Jaejoong jerked away.
"I can't be near you. I have to change now. I can't go back to that dark place."
"Jae?"
Junsu looked behind Jaejoong's shoulder to see the tall student and then everything made sense. Jaejoong was abandoning him for his boyfriend. The very boyfriend who had been too busy to spend any time with Jaejoong. The reason why the latter had turned to pain for comfort.
"I have to go."
Junsu wanted to grab at the boy again, but he didn't want to be rejected twice. His heart was still shattered from the first rejection.
"A-Are you going to come tomorrow?" Junsu asked, hating how desperate his voice sounded.
"Jae?" the tall student called out again. Jaejoong shook his head slowly,
"I'm sorry."
Junsu couldn't watch Jaejoong walk out on him again, so he turned away and fled. He missed the sad smile Jaejoong gave him before reuniting with his boyfriend.
-x-
Junsu flung himself at the rooftop's ledge, his breathing harsh, and eyes red with unshed tears.
"He doesn't need me anymore . . . But what about me? I still need . . ." Junsu blinked away the tears and dug his fingernails on the concrete ledge,
"I still need you, hyung . . ." Junsu sniffed, "I can't live without your soothing words or the quick flick of the blade across my wrist. I'm not ready to stand on my own yet. You can't just leave me alone."
He gulped a lungful of air and hiccupped as he hauled himself up on the ledge like he had done months ago. He stood up, letting the wind whip at his face. The tears streamed uncontrollably down his cheeks.
If he couldn't force Jaejoong to stay, then what else did he have to live for? Before he met Jaejoong, he had no other choice left but to die. And now, he was back to square one once again.
Junsu laughed bitterly at the irony, "Will someone stop me again?"
He closed his eyes and waited a few seconds before finalizing that no one was going to save him this time. Junsu breathed in the smell of rain and let himself fall from the edge. This time, he was no longer afraid of death.
Thank you, Jaejoong-hyung, for treating me as if I was alive. Thank you.
Pairing: Jaejoong/Junsu, Implied! Changmin/Jaejoong
Genre: Angst/Tragedy
Rating: Slight NC-17
Warning: Character death, slight adult language, and un-beta'd
Idea: Prompt idea, "Suicide Attempts" from dbskgenerator
Summary: Sometimes the pain is only temporary. But for others, it's a lifetime.
-x-
A/N: I was feeling emotionally dead for the past few days and decided to write this to feel better.
-x-
"Do you want the line to be horizontal or vertical?"
No one had dared to venture up to their school's dirty rooftop. There was practically nothing to see up there. The sky hadn't been that pretty shade of blue for many months now. Only those with something sinful to hide, had no care if the place was covered in mold or if there were dried spots of blood on the ground at a particular spot in the corner.
"Horizontal," a soft whisper said.
"Okay," the sharp blade of a pocket knife pressed against a pale wrist and dug into the flesh. A line was made and the crimson liquid bubbled from the cut. The hiss that used to pass between pink lips, was no longer heard. Having done this act a hundred times, their bodies had become numb to the pain.
"Your turn, Jaejoong . . ." the boy said, not paying attention to his bleeding wrist. The older boy held out his arm, the scar that was left from yesterday was still there. Still raw.
"Horizontal or vertical?" the boy asked. Jaejoong held the boy's hand that gripped the pocket knife and drew it towards his wrist,
"Do it like yesterday, Junsu-ah. Drag it over the same spot."
Junsu whose hand was shaking, had been held still by Jaejoong's calm ones.
"But it hasn't healed yet," Junsu said. Jaejoong smiled, the action that Junsu had learned overtime, which indicated that the boy was thinking of his past; the reason why they were doing this.
"I don't want to be healed. I want to keep bleeding. I want to keep feeling the pain that my heart has been suffering for years now," Jaejoong said and gave a bright smile,
"Now, help me bleed Junsu-ah."
Junsu pressed the blade against the red scar which acted as a guide for him and closed his eyes as he dragged the blade vertically from Jaejoong's wrist to his elbow.
-x-
Junsu walked to school the next day, wearing a long-sleeved shirt. He was looking forward to spending his time afterschool with Jaejoong and exchanging blood and tears with the boy. But when he stepped into the hallway, he spotted his friend. Would he even call Jaejoong a friend? They were just strangers who happened to catch each other trying to commit suicide.
-x-
"Fuck! Damn him! Damn me for believing things could change between us! Fuck!"
Junsu who had his own emotional breakdown minutes earlier, was now situated on the ledge of the rooftop. He had been planning to jump, muttering a prayer in his head before the door to the rooftop slammed open and shocked him from his spot. He teetered over the edge, almost falling over. Fear gripped his mind and he realized that he wasn't ready to die yet.
A tug on his school uniform steadied him on the ledge. Junsu looked back to see a boy slightly older than him, staring up at him blankly.
"Were you going to jump?"
"I-I . . ." Junsu stuttered, licking his lips, "Y-Yeah! Why? Are you going to stop me?"
The boy let go of his shirt and took a step back with a smirk on his lips,
"No. In fact, I want to see you do it. It takes a lot of guts to stare death in the face."
Junsu opened his mouth and closed it in stunned silence. The boy wasn't going to stop him?
"I . . ."
"Go on, do it. Jump," the boy said. Junsu swallowed and turned back around. He looked at the ground. It should've been easy. Their school building was only three stories high. It wasn't that far from the ground, but fear gripped him once again.
"Well? Any day now," the boy wondered from behind him.
Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes and he felt his chest heaving, trying to gather enough oxygen into his lungs. He couldn't do it.
"If you can't die, then come back down."
Junsu turned around and looked at the boy. He stepped down from the ledge as the boy held out his hand for him to hold.
"My name is Jaejoong."
"Junsu."
Jaejoong smiled, "From now on, I'll teach you how to feel pain without having to die."
-x-
"Jae!" Junsu called out, but the boy was soon distracted by a tall student. He could see a smile on Jaejoong's face. Not the one that would always be directed at him, but another smile. A foreign expression that he had yet to see on that beautiful face.
He watched a few more seconds as Jaejoong linked hands with the tall student and walked the opposite way from him. Someone bumped into him, scattering his books and papers onto the floor. But he didn't care to pick up his belongings. He stared after the boy whom he used to share his everything with, only to see him transform into someone who didn't need him anymore. And that hurt more than the deep scar on his wrist.
-x-
Junsu scratched at his scar as he waited for Jaejoong to arrive. He looked up at the gloomy sky and wondered if it'll rain.
"I know you want to. You've been cloudy for so many days now. Go on, cry."
"Who are you talking to?" an unfamiliar laugh rang through the air. Junsu snapped his head down to look at the stranger, only to see his familiar hyung. He felt ashamed that he barely recognized Jaejoong's laugh.
"I was talking to myself," Junsu whispered. Jaejoong walked closer, the very same smile he saw earlier in the halls was plastered on his face. Junsu had to wince at the strange expression.
"So what are you doing up here talking to yourself?" Jaejoong asked, taking a deep breath of air and wrinkled his nose when he smelt rain.
"I was waiting for you," Junsu let his gaze fall to his shoes. Jaejoong was momentarily confused and remembered with a nod,
"I thought you might be. But I can't stay today. Remember the boyfriend I told you about? He said he's going to take me on a date tonight."
"Oh," Junsu whispered and kept his gaze down. He didn't want to show Jaejoong that he was disappointed with the sudden news.
"In fact, he's waiting for me right now. So I came to tell you that I won't be staying."
When Junsu didn't say anything, Jaejoong gave the boy an awkward pat on the shoulder and went back the way he came. Junsu finally lifted his head up when the door closed. The tears that he silently wept, streamed down his cheeks.
He looked over the side of the building and spotted two figures at the front gates of the school and recognized them as Jaejoong and the tall student. From far away, he couldn't tell what their facial expressions were, but by the body language, he figured that Jaejoong was happy now.
Junsu returned his gaze back up at the gray sky and felt a droplet fall on his face. He flinched at the impact and brushed his finger over the wet spot. A slow smile appeared on his lips as the droplets turned into a downpour.
"Finally. Have you come to cry for me?"
-x-
Junsu walked to school the next day, lost in his thoughts. He didn't like the pain that was spreading throughout his chest. It would always flare up whenever he saw Jaejoong. He didn't know why. All he knew was that they hadn't spend much time together since the other boy had returned back to his boyfriend's side.
"Maybe he'll stay today. It's been a while since my scar has re-opened."
At that tiny bit of hope, Junsu anticipated seeing the other boy afterschool. But when that moment arrived, on his way to the rooftop, he spotted Jaejoong. But the boy wasn't even heading towards the rooftop.
"Jae!"
"Oh . . . Junsu-ah . . ." Jaejoong turned around to look at him. Junsu frowned,
"Where are you going? Aren't you going up to the --"
"Not today. I . . . I don't think I can spend time with you anymore," Jaejoong confessed. Junsu didn't understand. They always went up to the rooftop when school ended.
"Why? I thought we . . ." Junsu tried to grasp the older boy's arm, but Jaejoong jerked away.
"I can't be near you. I have to change now. I can't go back to that dark place."
"Jae?"
Junsu looked behind Jaejoong's shoulder to see the tall student and then everything made sense. Jaejoong was abandoning him for his boyfriend. The very boyfriend who had been too busy to spend any time with Jaejoong. The reason why the latter had turned to pain for comfort.
"I have to go."
Junsu wanted to grab at the boy again, but he didn't want to be rejected twice. His heart was still shattered from the first rejection.
"A-Are you going to come tomorrow?" Junsu asked, hating how desperate his voice sounded.
"Jae?" the tall student called out again. Jaejoong shook his head slowly,
"I'm sorry."
Junsu couldn't watch Jaejoong walk out on him again, so he turned away and fled. He missed the sad smile Jaejoong gave him before reuniting with his boyfriend.
-x-
Junsu flung himself at the rooftop's ledge, his breathing harsh, and eyes red with unshed tears.
"He doesn't need me anymore . . . But what about me? I still need . . ." Junsu blinked away the tears and dug his fingernails on the concrete ledge,
"I still need you, hyung . . ." Junsu sniffed, "I can't live without your soothing words or the quick flick of the blade across my wrist. I'm not ready to stand on my own yet. You can't just leave me alone."
He gulped a lungful of air and hiccupped as he hauled himself up on the ledge like he had done months ago. He stood up, letting the wind whip at his face. The tears streamed uncontrollably down his cheeks.
If he couldn't force Jaejoong to stay, then what else did he have to live for? Before he met Jaejoong, he had no other choice left but to die. And now, he was back to square one once again.
Junsu laughed bitterly at the irony, "Will someone stop me again?"
He closed his eyes and waited a few seconds before finalizing that no one was going to save him this time. Junsu breathed in the smell of rain and let himself fall from the edge. This time, he was no longer afraid of death.
Thank you, Jaejoong-hyung, for treating me as if I was alive. Thank you.
